| anger |
[Nov. 24th, 2009|09:46 am] |
writing here, because not sure if saying this to them directly would be a good thing. However, also not sure if holding this in is a good thing. Usually my being non-confrontational ends up biting me in the ass and I have to exit the friendship in the end because of all the built up frustration.
Here's the deal:
You four were the reason I didn't practice my Bonn repertoire as much as I should have. Now, I'm not saying that it's your fault I'm not as prepared as I should be. That is something I should have been better at prioritizing. I'm saying that because of our violin recital that just had to be done in the fall, Alicia, and because of our trio competition that I worked my ass off on (even though you hardly worked for it Dave) and having to quick learn the Debussy in time for your recital, Samantha, I left very little to learning the Prokofiev 6th sonata, Bartok Improvisations, Rondo of G minor Cello Sonata, and commissioned work (and yes, all of these things were BRAND new to me). You all should have been at my recital last night. But not a single one of you were. I get it, Alicia, you had to take some personal time for you and your boyfriend to hang out in Chicago and see an opera. I get it, Eric, you had to work, yet again. I get it, Samantha, you had tons of homework to catch up on. I get it, Dave, you are cramming, also, for your master's recital (anyway that's why I assumed you didn't come, since you didn't give me any explanation whatsoever). Here's my anger: Alicia, couldn't you just forgo this vacation once for me, who needed you now more than ever? I mean, you have the rest of the week off anyway, since it's Thanksgiving. Couldn't you have delayed your vacation 2.5 days? Eric, you're almost done with your job. Couldn't you have at least asked for the one particular evening off? Samantha, homework? I guess you're not the friend I hoped you were. Dave, your recital is not until January. Take 2 hours off practicing for one night and support me.
Here's what I learned from you: Take a vacation any time you want. If you know a close friend has big event coming up, disregard this and schedule your vacation anyway. You need this vacation and that's all that matters.
When you work for a restaurant, they own your life. Even if you've already put in your two weeks notice. You don't mess with the schedule. You don't ask for certain time off. Even if you have in the past for a coaching or what not. Not for your friend. Friends are less important.
If you have shit to get done, do it. Don't delay it for the sake of friends. Your work is more important.
Thank you for these lessons. They will make my life a lot easier. Lonelier, maybe, but I'll certainly be thinking less about other people. This will free up at least 50% of my thoughts.
I've never felt more alone in my life. It's not that these people coming to my concert last night would have suddenly changed that feeling. But it would have helped. And when I was breaking down backstage during intermission, it would've been nice to have someone other than my mom come back to calm me down. I know, I know, my feelings of loneliness is my own problem, and none of you are responsible for it. But all four of you pretty much know all that I've gone through in the past month. And frankly, you should have been there.
I probably should not tell them these things. But I'm also worried that holding it in will torment me, and eventually ruin our friendships anyway. From the sounds of it, though, maybe they weren't the friendships I thought they were. So maybe it doesn't really matter if I keep these thoughts to myself.
this. fucking. sucks. |
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| random question |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|09:07 am] |
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If I won the lottery, and decided to give my winnings to the US government to help pay off national debt, would they still make me pay taxes on my winnings? |
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| fml? |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|12:41 am] |
You wanted me to come out. I was feeling like shit to begin with. Really? Did you have to mention the sheets?
I don't know what to think. |
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| again |
[Nov. 15th, 2009|10:44 am] |
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I made myself feel this way. Me. No matter where my brain searches to find someone to blame, it always comes back to me. It's true, I've gotten some shit luck. But life is perfect for no one. Right now I wallow. Hopefully wallowing doesn't take all the place of practicing. Hopefully there's room for a smile in a day or two. Hopefully I don't sink further. At least now I know I have friends to pull me out in case I do. |
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| losing it |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|02:40 pm] |
I am seriously having a hard time. I need need need need need need.
I think I need too much. How do I not need? I'm struggling. I'm falling. I need help. I need a vacation. I need help. |
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| how do you ask for help? |
[Oct. 23rd, 2009|10:20 am] |
It's crunch time.
I've never felt like I wanted anything more than I want to do well (heck, even win) this competition. But now things are very difficult. I'm very pressed for time, I have many obligations to attend to, and I have 2 pieces left to really learn. How do I do it?
Thing is, it sounds like a lot, but I know I can do it. If I didn't think I could do this, I wouldn't have applied to the competition. I wouldn't have committed to a trio. I wouldn't have committed to a duo piano recital. I wouldn't have committed to teaching (ok, that's for the $$). But now, I'm stressed. And I'm worried. And I have very little confidence in myself. This combination is dangerous for me, the last part especially.
I don't have that one person in my life (near or far) who loves and believes in me wholly and I'm on their mind 24/7. I am lucky enough to have a number of people who do care for me, and who do believe in me, but they have enough going on in their lives that I'm not a priority. duh. I'd be pretty selfish to think everyone should devote their thoughts to me. However, if I could get from every one of them what I need, and what they can give, I'd be much better off. Thing is, how do I ask for this kind of help?
How do I say "I want you to have confidence in me. I want you to tell me I can do this. I want you to pat my back and encourage my every move. I want you to express your faith in me the best way you can." How do I ask this, when not only is this a huge task that I've fallen behind on, and anyone who knows it knows better than to blindly believe in me. And how do I ask people to be that doting without sounding like the most needy and self-centered person on the planet?
There is no way to do this, I think. I have too much humility (or too much pride?) to ask it of others. And if I did, and one person slipped, I'd feel rejected. Because it's just that easy for me to feel rejected these days. Is this it? Am I doomed to never have this career because I can't work under pressure without being coddled? Maybe. Maybe I'll learn the hard way. Maybe this competition won't be the be-all end-all I'm hoping it is. Maybe I just have to keep pushing even if it doesn't go my way. But GOD do I want this to go my way.
That is my rant of the moment. |
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| two performances |
[Jul. 27th, 2009|07:48 pm] |
In Italia, I had the opportunity to perform twice in one week. First performance went pretty well, despite the circumstances. 2nd I wasn't too happy with.
First: Saturday.
Performed first movement of Beethoven Op.111.
Circumstances: Found out I would be performing that morning. Had a couple hours to work on the things we discussed in lesson. Venue was an old church (very, VERY wet acoustics, but beautiful setting), so I decided to play slower than usual. A bell of a nearby church went off right after the intro finished. I paused until the bells were done ringing, then started back from 1st theme. I did the repeat (and think I always will from now on).
Performance: The details were lost because of the acoustics. I didn't have a problem altering the tempo last minute. Note-wise, was a pretty solid performance. I still need to work on some of the things mentioned in my lesson, though, like hands playing evenly together in some long 16th note passages.
Second: Wednesday.
Performed first movement of Schumann F# minor sonata.
Circumstances: had cold for a few days. My lesson on the piece was the day before, and instead of practicing afterward, went to Pompeii and Sorrento with roommate. Practiced stuff from lesson morning of concert. Venue was the hall (very tiny) of the piano store where we had lessons. Boston piano. I was never very happy with it, but at least used to it. Other negative circumstance was that I got cramps that morning. So I was pretty drugged up during the concert.
Performance: Really not my finest. I was feeling sicker by the minute while waiting to go on (I was second to last in the concert). I wore a dress (blue betsey johnson) I'd never worn to perform in before. Was a bit worried about straps falling down. I will never wear this dress again to perform in!! I started out pretty well, but quickly started losing focus. I felt myself getting hotter and hotter, and paid attention to the wrong things, like my sweat building and the woman in the front crinkling her program. It got to the point where I was really just yelling at myself in my head. Very nasty things. I need to learn not to do this. Had a few slips. Pretty standard Julia slips. Nothing too terrible, but enough that were really annoying and broke the flow of the performance.
Since I will have to perform sick again, I shouldn't just be ok with the way this performance went. I will definitely make sure the next time that the things I do have control over (like my outfit) will be in place. I will also always pack airborne, cold eeze, and cough drops on every trip I go on from now on!!
Next performance: Likely three in a row next week. Eek! |
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| rude awakening |
[Jun. 20th, 2009|01:24 am] |
After learning shocking, unspeakable news about a friend this week, another life lesson has presented itself. I, like so many other people in this terribly insecure country (racked with mental disorder after mental disorder), have spent so much energy in my life pleasing everyone in my life, and impressing them, trying my damndest to make them like me. And for what? There are still some people out there who don't like me. Thanks to Facebook's honesty box, I've heard from one or two of them in the past. Many people are decent people, but there are only a small handful of people that will all really get one another. These are your soulmates. For many it's the family, or the spouse, or the tight-knit high school friendship circles. Either way, these relationships are rare. So why do we work so damn hard to make everyone love us, if it's never going to happen anyway? I've read enough fashion magazines to "know" that if I don't fit into a certain sized dress, I will never meet the man of my dreams. Well from now on, fuck them. Who knows who I'm trying to impress anyway? As long as I stay true and be decent to others, I don't need anything else. Wake up and smell the coffee America! Every mili-second spent trying to make someone like you can be spent trying to make someone's life better (or any cause that's more important than your insecurity/vanity).
Watch me eat these words...(and then kick my face in for it. And make me read this post again. Thanks). |
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| new series of entries |
[May. 16th, 2009|09:02 am] |
I should have started this a long time ago. I am going to turn this into a performance blog. This is really much more for me than for anyone else. I need to get myself into gear. I am a very inconsistent performer. But usually, my performances are filled with dirty wrong-note interruptions. I want this to end, so I am going to analyze my performing and practicing to death until I find the right balance.
Starting with last night: May 15, 2009. I performed Carnaval for the Michigan Federation of Music Clubs annual convention at the Troy Marriot.
Conditions: the Yamaha grand was in good shape. The bench was adjustable (went ALMOST as high as I like it, but high enough for comfort). I had been sitting at dinner making new friends for over 2 hours before the performance even started. I was the end of the performance, playing nearly three hours after I sat down. No warm-ups, no time to get myself in the zone. I scrambled to prepare an understandable speech about the piece before I performed it; the movement titles were not included in the program. Honestly, none of these things really bothered me. I still felt completely comfortable performing.
I played the first 8 movements well (I recently recorded them). Then Papillons came. I got through the whole A and B sections. On repeating the A, my left hand got lost. I couldn't come back from it. I tried to, but failed miserably. I found my way into A.S.C.H.-S.C.H.A. I had more regrettable mistakes, notably in Pantalon et Colombine and Paganini. Similar things where I got off and just couldn't hop back on. I don't mention the things that went well (some really well) because it is beside the point. This was one of my poorest performances to date, and this has to stop.
My practice habits before the concert: I have been focusing mainly on the first eight movements (for the recording two days earlier) and prior to that on Ravel Trio (which i just barely learned in time for Fischoff, May 8-10). Before Ravel, my focus was mainly on Brahms Op.119, scrambling to get that together in time for my master's recital (April 18). And even though I knew I had the Carnaval performance coming up (I knew officially on May 11, btw, previously I thought I was doing Brahms....it was my decision at that moment, because I was recording the first 8, to do Carnaval), my bigger focus has been on Beethoven Op.111. I would like to record this piece for Beethoven Competition by the end of the month, and haven't played it in 2 years. Even then, it was a quick put-together. I never ran through Carnaval this week. The last time I ran it through was at my master's recital, a month ago. Also, my practicing on it was very unfocused (because I have so much else going on....I didn't mention I'm also preparing for a violin concert). What I think I will try to do NEXT time is a contrast of VERY detailed, VERY tiny sections taken apart hands separately, and reworked, like I am starting the piece again, and lots of running through of larger sections. In a piece as large as Carnaval, I may run it through only a couple times a week. Also, I should devote 2 hours a day to a piece I'm performing, even if it is only for a state convention. I owe it to the piece, I owe it to my audience, and frankly I owe it to myself to have a good performance. This one was very debilitating and will be hard to come back from. I will have to put Carnaval away for a while so that this feeling doesn't stew.
Point is, I want a performing career. Bigger point is, one with a performing career doesn't play like I did last night. I won't let it hold me back, but I will grow from this experience. From this moment on, every performance I give will be analyzed in this journal, so that I learn from them, and become a better and more solid performer. Maybe someday I'll realize my goal. |
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| a buncha crap |
[Apr. 8th, 2009|12:30 am] |
How would you like to be so busy you don't even have time to take a proper crap?
How could you take a crap if you were stressed to the point of constipation anyway?
And what is happening to all that crap you're eating daily, because you don't have time to grocery shop or cook for yourself?
How would you like, on top of that, to have your teacher not believe in your ability to prepare for your master's recital?
Who cares that I just got a $1,500 check in the mail. I just want this shit to be over, and music to be back to the comforting place that it belongs. |
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| i suck |
[Nov. 10th, 2008|12:34 am] |
I needed this. I really needed this. Why couldn't I have just played all the right notes, like I'd been doing all week? 25 is the worst fucking year of my life. Never have I felt more hopeless about my life and my future. And useless. I am a leech sucking my parents' money dry. My brother had his own job and life before college even. He's been married for a year and has a baby on the way. He's been in a steady relationship for 4 years now. He has something to contribute to the world. He always did. I am just sucking. What am I going to do? More years of sucking? I am taking my parents' money to apply to AD programs. I am taking my parents' money to visit teachers at AD schools. I am taking my parents' money to help me with tuition and car payments. I will continue taking my parents' money entering competitions I A. will never get in, or B. will be rejected early on. I can't play the right notes. I think this is a pattern that will never end, because it's been so fucking consistent. So why enter competitions? Why think I can be a part of this profession even at all?
I need something. pretty fast. I need something so good to happen. GIVE ME SOMETHING GOOD UNIVERSE. or i might just crack. |
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| Atonement |
[Oct. 13th, 2008|12:40 pm] |
I just finished reading this book. In tears at the moment. I'm realizing now how powerful words are. Like, a collection of WORDS can bring someone to deep emotions on a subject they have absolutely no relation to. I always understood films and their emotional impact. Moving pictures (a dying animal, etc) can bring one to tears. But JUST words?
Anyway, damn, the book is highly recommended. I'm curious to see the movie, now, if it is able to do any justice. |
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| bi- no more. |
[Sep. 23rd, 2008|10:46 pm] |
WOMEN ARE FUCKING CRAZY. I am now making the choice to never be a bisexual. My problems with men are hard, but at least understandable. Women make no sense. I could never be in a relationship with a woman, so why even explore that realm at this point? I'm definitely attracted to men, why complicate things.
being treated like an object is one thing. Being mind-fucked is something totally different.
fucking women.
fuck. |
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| memo to self |
[Sep. 13th, 2008|12:59 pm] |
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Stop trying to please everyone. You will ALWAYS end up failing miserably. |
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| getting to know me... |
[Jul. 8th, 2008|09:06 pm] |
More and more this year I am learning my true calling. I always thought it was only performing, and that teaching was a side job I wanted to have (to make $$$). But now that I've been doing these Schoolcraft camps, and have been watching my own students grow over the past 2 years, I'm discovering that teaching is so much more than I imagined. I get to instill my love of music and composers and performance to my students. I get to inspire them in so many ways I'm not even aware of sometimes. I get to share the amazing opportunities I've had with Nelita True, Logan Skelton, the Russian school training, and my studies abroad to people who may never have even one of these experiences on their own. What's more amazing? I want them to know everything I know. I want them to come away teachers themselves. Everyone says that one of the strongest human desires is to have a legacy (which is why most people feel the need to have children, or become famous). I've never wanted children (despite all my friends who say "oh, that will change). I think my legacy is going to be much less my performing career than what I have been able to give to future generations. I got more out of Nelita True than I ever knew. I've been blessed with the training to spread musical understanding to my students, and those who are only my students for 2 weeks. Never thought I was even that good of a student...but apparently something rubbed off on me!
One more growth experience I had: I have a student with immense skill (as much as me, but in different ways). But his parents have very little money. And the crappy economy is making life worse for them in many ways. Their last problem should be in providing their son piano lessons, and having him attend summer camp. But they do, because they see his talent, and they see how important it is to nurture it. Only they've emptied their supply. They can't afford piano lessons for the summer. I am, of course, upset by this news, but am powerless. After a few weeks of my camp that he is attending, I feel more and more disgust that he, who works harder than all the kids and enjoys it so much more, is not getting what he deserves. He is maintaining his skill, not steadily increasing it as he should be at this age (he is 14) without lessons. I read a horoscope that I should do charity work this month. Since I'm a superstitious sucker, I decide to volunteer to teach this boy for free. Great. Problem solved. Or so I thought. After today's lesson, his mom, who was very grateful for these two lessons, told me she felt very uncomfortable about accepting any more. DAMN. I totally didn't see this coming. I was so naive to think I could help them out without something. Now I'm afraid they will start paying me with money they don't have. I wish there were an answer. This seems absurd to me. This reminds me why I hate money. The only reason this boy isn't living to his potential is because of stupid money. Lots of people get money for stupid reasons, why can't there be some sort of scholarship for a case like this?
My new mission: search for scholarships for korean children seeking musical study in the U.S.
::sigh::
I hate money. |
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| Germany |
[Jun. 4th, 2008|06:04 pm] |
I am going to Stuttgart this summer, to meet possible new teacher! And maybe also Goslar. I am very excited by this news. Hopefully it will help kick me out of this funk that I'm in.
and
GO RED WINGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2008|05:28 pm] |
You know you've been socializing too much when drama occurs.
I fucking hate drama.
I think it's time to start practicing 24-7 again.
::sigh:: at least that's much better for me and my beer belly. |
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| pooped |
[Apr. 22nd, 2008|05:30 pm] |
So I couldn't figure out for a while why I've been in such an awful mood. I mean, of course there's end of the semester stress, and the occasional feeling lonely, but that's not supposed to entirely change someone's personality is it? I've been a mess! I've been crying, daily, in school. Forgetting important things (like a violist's lesson, and uh, the time of my jury). I haven't been able to play my very best in recitals (Crumb Vox Balaenae and Brahms Viola Sonata) and juries (Brahms again, Debussy Etude, Beethoven Op.49#1, and Prokofiev Sonata) because I have had so little time to learn this repertoire, and bring back the old stuff. Well everything's over, and I'm still down. And I think I've figured it out. I have given so much of myself this semester both musically and personally. And I think I have nothing left to give right now. This depresses me naturally because I am a woman (we are generous by nature, come on!) and because I am a friend to many who I feel I'm letting down. Growing up, I think, is understanding what's really going on during depression, but then also being able to accept it and live with it until it goes away. I'm going to try not to let this out on others. I'm going to accept what I'm going through, and understand that my friends will be there for me, and not blame me for feeling down. All will be back to normal soon enough....after all, I'm gonna see the Tigers on Thursday!
My mantra: Accept, and move on. |
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| change |
[Apr. 8th, 2008|11:38 pm] |
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I'm looking forward to this summer (aka April 22). I can think about new repertoire, about the next step in my life. And it's looking thrilling. I have such unbelievable support from my teacher and other piano (and musicology!) faculty at this school that I feel like I can do anything. My teacher and I had the post-master's degree talk today. We came up with many options, but he seemed most enthusiastic of my desire to go abroad for study. So now I'm looking at the possibility of living for some time in Berlin or London. This excites me greatly. There's still the possibility of doing an AD program in the states, but seeing as the audition periods are different, I might just have to choose one or the other, and at the moment, Europe is sounding fantastic. |
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italichic's journal